Spring

So, we’re officially in the spring of things. Ha. Spring is a really great time, it’s the end of school, flowers start to bloom, and the temperature is just warm enough. I’m really excited about it being spring, here’s a long winded explanation why.

I never made an official New Year’s resolution. I meant to, and if I’m being honest I probably should have. I even started to make a post about all the resolutions I was going to make because if I don’t write something down, I don’t hold myself accountable for anything. But I never finished the post and I never told anyone about my New Year’s resolutions, so they’ve just kind of gone to shit.

I also didn’t give anything up for lent. I don’t always give something up, but in the past when I have it has always been something superficial and pointless like soda, or chocolate. Also, I feel like Lent normally sneaks up on me and I don’t have time to think about what to give up. That wasn’t the case this year. I knew it was coming, but I still didn’t think of anything to give up. I thought about things I could give up, but I struggled. Sure, I could’ve given up something like soda again, but that seemed too easy. I feel like if you give something up it should teach you something about the struggles Jesus had when he came face to face with the temptations of the devil. The season of lent should do something to strengthen your relationship with God, and I don’t think giving up soda would really allow me to reflect on that. But on the other hand, I was too stubborn to follow through with giving up something that would allow for self-reflection. I thought about giving up social media, or not having my phone out during meals. But those seemed kind of hard, so I just didn’t give anything up.

But spring started yesterday. It’s a whole new season and I’m in the mood for a bit of change. Maybe it is a bit unconventional to have a theme for a season, but I think it’s what I need right now. The idea is that I am going to go about this season with the theme in mind and then I’m going to get so used to the theme that it’s going to become a theme that is prominent in my life.

The theme of spring is SELF-LOVE.

I feel like self-love is something I’m always preaching about but never holding myself accountable for. But here I am, putting it into words, putting it online and making a claim to actually implement it. It is too easy to be mad at yourself and I’m guilty of just being a bully to me, but I want to find out how great I am. I want to do things for me and I want to be serious about improving myself and getting to know myself. And that’s what I think self-love is all about. It’s giving yourself the respect you inherently deserve.

The way I see it, the first step towards self-love is getting to know yourself. Spend some time by yourself and reflect on what you want, what you like, who you are, who you were and who you want to be. Draw, write, sing, run, walk, cook, eat, or whatever. Find something that causes you to find yourself.

If you’re anything like me, you might have a problem with putting yourself down. I think sometimes I come off more confident than I actually am, but it’s honestly just as show. I constantly hear that little devil in my head saying things about my outward appearance, or my abilities, or about my intelligence. But part of this spring of self-love is when I hear that voice I’m going to change it. I’m going to change the voice to say something positive instead of something that’s going to put me down.

Another part of self-love is just being less angry, and loving others better. Honestly, I am pretty quick to judge, I also am impatient and I tend to have a sort temper. I think I will love myself best when I am not so frustrated with others. This will most likely be the hardest part in the season of self-love, but I never said it would be easy. As much as I would like to, I can’t control others. However, I can control how they affect me.

In this, the spring of self-love, I hope to write more, workout more, and really improve myself. If you also have a craving for change I invite you to MY season of spring. I invite you to change your mindset and fall in love with the wonderful person you are.

Cheers to spring!

~Probably Cliché.

Often

I just need to put this into words that can be read, so the thoughts aren’t just swimming around in my head forever and ever.

Remember last summer, when I drunk texted you in the middle of the night? My message said something about how I wished you were with me. In the morning I was embarrassed, and quickly sent another text apologizing and explaining. I lied and told you that I texted “a bunch of people”. Drunk me texted you sober thoughts.  I missed you and I thought about you sometimes. And by sometimes I mean often.

I still think about you often.

Dammit.

~Probably Cliché.

Life Is Too Short

 

Listen y’all, I know it’s been like eight years since I’ve posted… this semester has been a shit show. But I’m at home now, I am in my own bed, I can breathe. I’m back, I forgot that I actually like writing, as long as I’m not being forced to do it. It’s a good outlet for me. So, let’s get into it.

DISCLAIMER: This is not a story about a near death experience.

This is about a boy.

 Like I’ve already mentioned, this semester was a shit show, a complete and utter SHIT SHOW. I cannot tell you how glad I am that it’s finally over. Part of having a shitty semester, is having shitty finals week. And sometimes shitty finals week includes shitty group projects.

All semester in my math class I have sat next to this boy, Sam. Sam and I had a sort of banter, that’s the only word I can really think of to describe it. At the beginning of the semester I thought he was kind of weird because he asks random questions and he would look over my shoulder and make comments on what I was writing in my planner, but I grew to enjoy this weirdness. Our math class was full of “characters” and I was usually entertained by listening in on their conversations and doodling in my notes. When it came time for final projects our professor allowed us the option to work with one other person, if we so desired. I was planning on working by myself, but somehow I ended up working with Sam.

Sam and I met on three different occasions, somewhere between 8-10 hours were spent “working” on the project. But if we are being honest, out of the time we were together only about 2-3 hours were actually spent doing the work; the rest were spent laughing, commiserating and exchanging stories. It was fun. It was nice. He was cool. He made me laugh. He asked me questions. He seemed genuine. And, best of all, he wasn’t hard to look at (just saying). For the record, I’m not in love with him, I honestly don’t even have feelings for him.

AT MOST, I was in “like” with him.

On Tuesday December 6th, we had our presentation and that was the last time I ever had to be a math student (hell yeah!). After I left the class (and Sam), I went home (my dorm room) and began studying for my next final. As I was sitting there on my bed, trying my damnedest to focus on intercultural communication, I began to have a bit of a break down.

I was thinking about some things a friend had told me earlier and I couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head. I felt the need to let Sam know that I thought he was cute. I was driving myself insane, I don’t know why it bothered me, but I knew that I wanted to not be scared. He is just a person, a very cute person, but a person none the less. But, I mean still, it’s not a big deal right? It’s a compliment, everyone likes compliments. Why could I not just say it? I was having a full on battle with myself. But amidst my self-induced crisis I came to a conclusion.

Life IS too short not to tell that boy from your math class that he’s cute.

So, I did it. Not in person or anything (I’m not there yet). But, I was brave, I sent a text; I only felt slightly nauseous and my knees only felt weak for a few hours, but I did it. I got a reply to. It wasn’t a bad one, it wasn’t great either. But it was nice. It was something I’ve never done before. It shouldn’t be a big deal. (And I only cried a little after reading the text when I was by myself)

But, my point in putting this all here is to say: just do it! Tell that person you think they’re great/smart/cute/funny, tell them you enjoy their company and like spending time with them. The truth is everyone loves a compliment, especially when it’s genuine. Just please remember one thing, life is too short NOT to be BRAVE. And you never know, it could work out in your favor.

~Probably Cliché.

I’M WORKING ON IT

I complain a lot. I worry too much. I overthink everything. I hide my feelings. I pretend to be confident. I pretend to know what I’m doing. I can’t stand to be wrong. I judge too much. I spend too much time on social media. I let others’ opinions of me dictate how I feel about myself. And I spend a lot of time not liking myself, let alone loving myself the way I should.

But hey, I’M WORKING ON IT.

                I’m working on me. I’m trying to be a person that I can be happy with, that I can like. This is a common theme among the people of our generation. We look to outside sources to make us happy, to make us feel god, to give us a purpose. We are in such a hurry to be happy and figure out who we are, that we take these sort of convoluted shortcuts that leave us with regrets, or poor, or brokenhearted. These ‘shortcuts’ often make for good stories and we can often learn from them and apply them to ourselves to better become the person we want to be. I think in order to be truly happy with ourselves we must take these stories and realize that we DON’T have to like that person that we were, but we MUST RESPECT that person we once were and APPRECIATE how we’ve grown and that we are no longer that person.

I have a hard time doing this, but… I’m working on it.

                I think also part of the reason why I have a tendency to be so unhappy with myself is because of how single I am. As much as I hate to admit it and no matter how much I preach to my friends not to do this, I have a hard time NOT basing my worth off of what boys think of me. I sometimes want a boyfriend so bad that I can’t focus on anything else. When I see couples I just wonder what is so wrong with me that I can’t have that. But what I need to realize is that I’ve just got to let things happen in their own time. And honestly, as cliché as it sounds, who is going to love me if I can’t love myself? I think I need to worry less about when and spend more time living MY life and doing me.

And really, truly I. Am. Working. On. It.

                A lot of times we see people and they carry themselves a certain way and we just ASSUME that they have it together. They know what they’re doing, they’ve got it figured out and they are crushing it; while our life seems to be in constant shambles. But I don’t think anyone really has it together. I mean, for all I know people look at me and think that I’ve got it together, which is honestly a BIG bunch of bologna. I’m nowhere even close to figuring out what I’m eating for dinner tomorrow, let alone figuring out my life. And I’m okay with that, I’ve got a lot of time to figure all of it out. But for right now, I REALLY need to work on myself, I need to work on being happy with who I am for who I was then, who I am now and who I will someday be. I want to be happy, I want to like myself, but I need to make a conscious effort to do so.

So, here’s to a new semester. Here’s to being happy. And here’s to working on it.

~Probably Cliché.

Expectations: Part One

So, I am long overdue for a post, but things have been pretty crazy (in the best way possible) since I started working at summer camp. I’ve had this idea for a post a long a time, but in a way I’m sort of glad I’ve waited to post this because it has given me more time to solidify my thoughts and opinions.

Expectations… they kind of suck. The way I see it there are two sides to expectations: There’s the expectations YOU have for OTHER things such as people, experiences and products. Then there’s the expectations OTHERS have for YOU. So, part one of expectations is the half I mentioned first, your expectations for other things.

I, personally, am one of those classic over thinkers. I get in my own head and in all honesty, because of it, I get my hopes up way more than I am willing to admit. I let myself set almost unachievable expectations of other people and situations and as much as I acknowledge that and as much as I try not to, I have expectations. Even though I try really hard to be that person who just goes with the flow and is 100% carefree, I’m not. I want things to go as I have planned, I want people to act the way I think they should act, I want things to go MY way and if I’m being honest, they rarely ever do.

I might EXPECT to click with everyone I meet at work, when in reality, in order to make friends I needed to put myself out there instead of waiting for people to include me.

I might EXPECT people to treat me with the same respect I would treat anyone, but, let’s be honest, we really shouldn’t expect that from anyone anymore.

I might EXPECT things to come easy to me, instead of actually working for them, but that’s a little thing called privilege.

I also might EXPECT people to feel the same way about me that I do about them. However, I have no control over other people’s feelings and that’s also kind of scary.

I might EXPECT an author to NOT kill off my favorite character… but you get my point.

Someone once told me to go into things without any expectations. It makes a lot of sense when you think about it. Instead of making speculations we should go into things with a blind eye. Just let the experience HAPPEN, and that way you get the most out of it. Some people say to set low expectations because they are afraid of getting hurt, but I think that’s kind of shitty. Just live your life. Good things are going to happen, and bad things are going to happen as well, but you CANT let that stop you from living. If you go into something expecting it to be lame, you miss out on a potentially awesome experience.

This is something I’m definitely struggling with, but I am making a conscious effort to get rid of my expectations and I think you should too. Now, I’m not saying abandon your standards. Standards are good, if you don’t have standards you end up with people you shouldn’t be around and in situations you don’t want to be in. So, have standards, hell, have HIGH standards. But get rid of your expectations and take in the moments, and the people for what they are NOT what you’ve perceived them to be before even truly knowing.

~Probably Cliché.

 

I Hate All Of My Friends

If you’re reading this, odds are I texted you a link and you semi-willingly clicked on it to read these little posts that I type up, which means you are probably one of those lucky people I call my friends. Now, I hope the title didn’t alarm you, but I need you to know that I love you, which is why I hate you. This post is about to be gushy, and for that I am sorry.

In high school I didn’t have many friends… mostly because I hated everyone. I had a couple of people that I would talk to and laugh with in my classes but I really only had 2 people that I actually hung out with. They knew each other and had been close for a long time before high school, but they kind of adopted me into their friend group. And I’m so glad they did because I think a lot of times we saved each other. We had some rough patches, I didn’t talk to one of them for almost a year (yeah, I know you’re reading this and I hate that we went on like that for so long. I’m sorry). But in the long run, I ended my senior year of high school with the friends same friends I started my freshman year with. I can’t imagine getting through that hellhole without them. Now, the three of us go to different colleges, but when we’re back together, we’re as obnoxious as ever, and it’s like nothing changed.

Because of my deep disdain for my high school, I became very involved with my church. The friends I made in my youth group are the people I adventure with. We’ve experienced so many things together. Our youth group is very close and through the church we only grew closer. We met every Sunday evening and usually there was some sort of activity planned for us. That was nice, however we really formed true friendships over weekend retreats, mission trips over the summer and a week-long camp in Black Mountain. We even got to go on a 10 day heritage trip to Scotland. We bonded over these shared experiences and I’m sure all of us would agree that we wouldn’t trade the experiences or friendships for any amount of money. My church friends have a special place in my heart because, no matter how far away we are from each other our roots are all planted in the same soil.

I know I said I didn’t really have friends in high school and I know I said it’s because I hated everyone there, but I ended up rooming with one of the people from that place. We were “friends” in high school, I enjoyed her presences and I wouldn’t avoid her if I saw her in public, but we never went out of our way to hang out with one another. It ended up working out really well, and we got closer as the school year went on. She introduced me to another set of roommates across the hall from us. Now, the four of us are practically inseparable, if we’re not together we are in class. These girls have become my sisters. We get on each other’s last nerve (sometimes on purpose) and we’re not a

fraid to call each other out. We fight like family, but we also love like family.

My friends are my world. They are my solace, they’re the people I know I can go to no matter what. They’re like family in way,except I actually CHOOSE to hang out with them.

I just said a lot of nice things (it doesn’t happen often), so you may be wondering where the hatred comes in. Well, you see, I am not a fan of feelings. But, when you have friends that are as awesome as mine, it’s hard for me to pretend like I don’t have feelings. When I am at school, I miss my friends from home; and when I’m home I miss my friends from school. This is the struggle.

This summer I will be working at a camp for 10 weeks. I’m really excited, and I’m going to be making bank. But, now I will be away from my school friends and my friends from home and I am NOT looking forward to it. I don’t want to miss out on random adventures, birthday celebrations and bonfires. I’m really grateful for the opportunity to work for this camp, but I will miss my friends a GREAT deal.

Also, while I’m missing my friends I’ll (hopefully) be making friends that I’ll miss anytime I’m not at camp. It’s just this vicious cycle of missing the people that I want to spend time with. It’s just not fair. I wish I could pick them all up and take them with me wherever I go, that way I would never be bored and I wouldn’t HAVE to miss anyone.

So friends, this is why I hate you. You make me have these feelings, gross. You think I want to miss you? I don’t…

But in all honesty, who knows where I would be without each and every one of you. It sucks missing you all, but it just means that I’ve been lucky enough to have something to miss and not everyone has that. So, thank you for being your idiotic, sassy, adventure seeking selves. And thank you for making me hate you.

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard”

–Winnie the Pooh

Okay that’s enough. I hate all of you. Bye.

~Probably Cliché.

Things I’m Bad At

We all have talents, I like to think that I have many. However, there is an infinite number of things that I am NOT good at. It’s okay. I’ve accepted it. I don’t need to be good at everything. In all honesty, I’m too lazy to even try and be good at everything. I don’t really understand those people who refuse to accept defeat, it is okay to suck sometimes!

So, who are these people that haven’t accepted that they can’t be exceptional at everything? These are the people that freak out over anything less than an ‘A’ average. These are also those pompous ass-hats who THINK they’re good at everything, but what they don’t realize is that what needs improvement is their social skills. If you are one of these people, please stop. Life is a lot easier once you make the realization. It frees you up to do the things you enjoy and that you ARE good at. It also gives us a subtle reminder of the humility we need, more often than we are willing to admit.

Admitting that you can’t be good at everything is the first step. The next step is pin pointing what you are good at. For instance, I’m really good at bossing people around, fishtailing my hair, procrastinating, and making memes. Now, this is all good and well but we can’t let the things we are good at go to our heads. In order to remain humble and modest, we can’t forget what we’re bad at. Realizing what you’re bad at, makes you not only appreciate the things you are good at, but it also makes you appreciate those who are good at those things you suck at. I decided to list out some of the thing that I am bad at. I think it will feel good, and maybe you can relate.

MATH: I suck at math, I hate math and math hates me. I know, I know “I need math”, “you use math everyday”. Well let me tell you, the only math I care about is percentages, you know I got to know the new prices on that 20% off clearance rack at Target.

SITTING LIKE A “LADY”: It’s exhausting always having my legs crossed, and who cares if I sit crisscross-applesauce while in a dress? I’m just trying to be comfortable.

SHOWING AFFECTION: I’m really not a touchy-feely person. I can usually be found scowling when people (including friends and family) hug or show emotions. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not completely cold-hearted. Occasionally I feel the need to give affection but it is usually short-lived.

FINISHING THINGS: For some reason I just can’t…

FALLING FOR PEOPLE: This is potentially grounds for a whole other post. But, long story short, I always pick the wrong people to have a crush on. They’re either a jerk, one of my best friends, or they don’t know I exist. And again, I really don’t like feelings in general.

SAVORING: Whether it be food, or a moment, I never let it last and I always end up regretting it.

I know there are many, MANY things I missed, but this is what I have for now. I hope that you can understand, or that you can relate, or, at the very least, that you don’t judge me.

~Probably Cliché.

The End of the Beginning

As I’m finishing this last half of my freshman year in college, it almost doesn’t seem real. Exams start this week and will be finished by the next and then it will be time to move out and head home. I feel like I’ve had a whole lifetime of experiences just within the past 10 months, and while I know there are SO many more to come, I want to hold on to the next 11 days for as long as possible.

I’ve honestly had the time of my life and have gained so much from this first year and I’m escaping with only a few, injuries, heartbreaks and meltdowns. I’ve made some of the best friends I’ve ever had, had some crazy, fun nights followed by mornings filled with aspirin and TRYING to remember the details of the night before, I’ve gone to sleep at 9 o’clock in the morning, ruined a pair of white converse, seen one of my favorite bands live(twice), sang for over a thousand people, and fallen in love more times than I can count. But these are all stories for different days.

The end of this school year has left me with so many memories, stories and this odd feeling of invincibility. In the most recent episode of the Amazing Race, the racers had to scale the side of cliff and then plunge 40 feet into the water below. Now, I could make some metaphor about how the first year of college is kind of like taking that 40 foot plunge, but that’s not where I am going with it. As I was watching, I was seeing all these amazing competitors hesitate and I couldn’t help thinking “Why are they hesitating?” “I would jump so fast, and I would have fun doing it.” Now the question of how I would react while actually standing on that ledge, remains unanswered (maybe I’ll find out one day). But, right now lets just assume that if there’s a cliff, or any other seemingly intimidating obstacle, I’m going to conquer it, no questions asked.

I believe that, for the most part, college is one of the only times we can be completely selfish. As long as you’re careful, you can do practically do whatever you want and have little-to-no repercussions. We, for the first time in (most of) our lives are truly independent; free of curfews, reminders and lectures, we are on our own. Some people don’t know what to do with the freedom that comes with being a college student. But I have taken full advantage of my new found freedom.

My parents were never super strict and I was allowed to do the things that I wanted and be the person I wanted to be. However, I don’t think I’ve ever been more true to myself than I have, here in this small college town. And I’m not afraid to admit it, I have been hella selfish and I’m not even a little sorry about it. I do what I want to do and I don’t do what I don’t want to do (this obviously excludes homework). I feel no ties to any single person, nor do I feel like I have to hang out exclusively with a certain group of people. I go about my day being me and not worrying about anyone else.

I am only responsible for MYSELF and MY actions; and there is something so freeing about that. The only word that really describes how I feel is invincible. I know, its foolish to think of yourself that way and I know, that mindset can get you into trouble. But, when are we going to have the opportunity to be this young, and this foolish ever again?

I may not quite be ready to say goodbye to my first year of college, but I am ready to face whatever obstacles are thrown my way.

~Probably Cliche.